I can't care who Uncle Frank voted for

Do the family dinner

Sometimes I need to do a little self-talk. But maybe this will help you too.

The holidays are almost here. My husband is the youngest of a family of five. He grew up with big family dinners, and lots of cousins, grandparents, aunts, and uncles for the holidays. Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Passover, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, and various random weekends were filled with family. They played endless games of cards while the kids played in the yard, and ate a lot of food. Sometimes it was contentious. Ron tells a story about his grandfather having wresting matches with his best friend in the living room, or the occasional shouting match.

My holidays were quite different. My mother had moved 10 hours away from her family, divorced my father when I was 7, and I was an only child. For Christmas and Easter, it was just the two of us, and a church service. Thanksgiving was different. For some reason, we always went to spent it with her her brother’s family. It was my favorite holiday. When I had a job at a movie theatre, I bargained with my manager, agreeing to work Christmas if he’d give me enough time off over Thanksgiving to go up to Maine with my mother.

Pagan holidays have never been easy. I’m lucky I have friends who have done winter and summer solstice, for twenty years. This year, no one did summer solstice. There was an empty space there and I’m looking forward to Jule. A few years ago, another couple started doing imbolc. I’m looking forward to that too. There’s always a bardic circle and catching up with old friends.

Holidays - whatever your religion - are when we reconnect with what’s important. It’s much harder to do that alone.

When we’re alone we have screens. Starting at 4th grade, I came home from school to an empty apartment. That was 1974 and we had a color TV. I used to take some of the laundry money, go the the drug store next door, buy four types of chocolate, and eat it while watching TV. I was glued to that thing for 6 hours at a stretch. Mom got home an hour and a half after I did, but she never had he will to pull me away from it. None of us then understood its addictive qualities.

What we see on the screens tries to convince us that it’s important to buy this or that, or that success at X is just a class or degree away, or that we should loath someone because of X.

I still spend too much time in front of screens. All the time I spent watching TV as a child was not time spent learning to interact with other people. I used to think I avoided people because I was an introvert. But I had it backwards: I’m an introvert because I never learned to interact. I never learned how to deal with conflict, I never learned how to live outside my head, I never learned how to tolerate social tension. My husband, on the other hand, is a certified extrovert. He can talk to anyone [admittedly he finds my extended family challenging] and has making people laugh as a life skill. I envy him.

I know a LOT of Pagans who are like me. [I recently made friends with an extroverted Pagan. It felt strange.] I also know a lot of Pagans with a family history that includes abuse, divorce, mental health problems, or addiction. Histories that left them without families that might have taught them some skills.

Humans are tribal. We evolved in kin groups. Our ancestors were mostly conservative. Conservative in the sense that they conserved behaviors and ways of relating that had proven survival value. This wasn’t conscious. We learned what to do from watching adults. Innovation happened when something in the environment changed. We were [and are] capable of adapting, but were well-served to maintain traditions that kept us alive and happy.

We’re in a period of massive disruption. During this holiday season, it will be easy to get swept into strong emotions like fear and disgust. Screens just add to those feelings. The talking heads feel real, and our brains see them as trusted friends. They are not. They are there to sell you things, or ideas. They want something: your money, your allegiance, your irreplaceable time.

I’m not asking for paid subscribers but if you like this then perhaps you could…

Or have a look at the books I write under pen name Sabrina Rosen [On Amazon] or subscribe to my fiction blog.

They are not our friends. They will not support us financially if we get in trouble. They will not hug us when we feel down. They will not inspire us to be better people. Quite the opposite.

We’re doing Thanksgiving at my bother-in-law’s house with his sister and my step-son. I’m not sure if any other family members will be joining us. Our hosts didn’t vote the way we did.

We’re doing Christmas in Maine with my mother, aunt, cousins, and the neighbors. Most of them didn’t vote the way we did.

We’re showing up because families are who show up for you. Presidents, and talking heads on TV, don’t, even when they seem awesome. When my husband got divorced from his first wife, his sister helped him out financially. When my mother-in-law moved back to CT, all of her children, no matter how they or she voted, helped her in various ways. My mother is 93 and has 24-hour care. Her sister-in-law helps to pay for that so my mother can stay in her home. My aunt isn’t my favorite person. She’s not warm and fuzzy. We didn’t vote the same. But I’ll forever be grateful for what she’s doing for my mother.

Family is who shows up when the chips are down.

Differing opinions about an election aren’t a problem.

Not showing up is the problem.

The purpose of religion is to bring people together and to help us be better humans. I have tools for that. Time to use them.

So:

No news until after the holidays. [That’s going to be hard. I’ve been a junkie.]

Spend time daily in prayer or meditation.

I already get outdoors daily, so that’s not a problem.

Spend time with friends.

Do some handcrafts.

Plan self-care.

What will you do?

If you’re curious about Paganism/Heathenism/Wicca/Druidry, please feel free to message me and I’ll be happy to answer questions.

Selina Rifkin, M.S. [Nutrition], LMT, has been Pagan since she was 14 [which was a long time ago] and been to Hades in a handbasket. More than once. This has given her some opinions. She has direct communication with her gods and they’ve always given her answers when she asks. [One does have to ask.] Like most of her generation [X] she’s okay with snark. Most days she tries for good writing. But the snark, and side comments creep in. Be warned.

Pagan Organizations

Cherry Hill Seminary

Sacred Well Congregation